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Chapter One:
The Perfect Babe

Installment One
Installment Two
Installment Three
Installment Four

Chapter Two:
The Fairness of Life

Installment Five
Installment Six
Installment Seven
Installment Eight
Installment Nine

Readers React
to Lefty's Story


 

An original work of fiction
by Lefty

Installment 5

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: The following is based on a true story. It is at least as true as any current Made-for-TV movie now being shown. All names have been changed to protect any affected party. Some names have been changed several times. The author reserves the right for any vaguely autobiographical portion of the following to reflect more positively on his persona than would otherwise be true in reality. Please cut some slack to any recognized person, place or thing, however fictionalized it may be. END DISCLAIMER
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This is the fifth installment of Lefty's continuing saga. You may want to read the first installment to give you some idea of the trials and tribulations leading up to the current dilemna.

Dating in the 90s:Parity Error
Chapter 2: The Fairness of Life Installment 5

What to do about being down in the dumps.

There's much to be said for suicidal depressions. You feel great as soon as the depression ends; any manic depressive can tell you that. Of course, this is assuming that the depression DOES end. I want my depression to be over. Hard-core moping is not getting me anywhere. It's time to pull out the big guns. Time to get professional help. Time to go to the expert. And who is more expert than my bud Gil GGTJW? Nobody!

Gil's been there. Having dated all of the nubile Jewish women in the Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area, he has credentials. OK, he probably hasn't been in the EXACT situation I find myself in, but I know he's been through many of his own love traumas. And he doesn't charge. Gil is the goto guy. Heck, he loves to hear my dating woes. So I give him a call.

Gil and his wife Pamela both answer the phone on different lines. We shoot the breeze for a while as we haven't talked in weeks. They are very involved in the raising of their two year old girl who is nicknamed SongBear. Potty training is looming very large on their consciousnesses. They invite me down to San Diego for a visit. I think about it, but decide to get down to business right away. "Gil, I need advice."

A long, overdramatic sigh emits from Pamela's line. "Is this going to be guy talk?"

"Sorry Pamela. You know that in his former life, Gil was 'God's Gift To Jewish Women'. Who else am I going to ask why Jewish women are so neurotic and/or what I am always doing wrong? My pop-psychology books can only take me so far."

"What am I--chopped liver?...ok, you're right," Pamela admits belatedly. "For mucho macho talks, Gil is the goto guy. I'll leave you two to discuss the eternal strife of the relationship wars."

My phone clicks as she hangs up.

 

Guy Talk

"All right Shermie", Gil says enthusiastically. "Now we can get down to the REAL purpose of this call. You know I love hearing your stories of single life. I can vicariously experience all the thrills of what it used to be like, and still play with my daughter."

"That's great, Gil", I say dryly. "But I've got a SERIOUS situation here," and I fill him in on the story of "The Perfect Babe". I hear "No way", "that's amazing, and a bunch of "who would have thought" as my tale unfolds.

About half-way through, Gil interjects, "How come you haven't mentioned the 'Tamantha Test' yet?"

The Real Test

Now the "Tamantha Test" is the test that Gil had invented back when he was single. Gil had almost gotten married to a woman named Sue. This had been a disastrous relationship with the nicest thing coming out of it being the final breakup. Gil then decided that he needed a litmus test to weed out women who were as wrong for him as Sue had been. He analyzed the critical elements of their relationship and came up with key determining factors for a standardized test.

The reason this test is called the "Tamantha Test" and not the "Sue Test", is that Sue later changed her name to "Tamantha". Following this?

OK, so the test boils down to three questions. The questions are:

  1. Do you live at home with your parents?

  2. Do you have a name for your car?

  3. Do you know what the word "chakra" means?

Thou shalt not name thy carTamantha (or Sue depending on her stage of life) failed this test. She DID live at home with her parents (bad answer). She DID have a name for her car (bad answer). And she DID know what the word "chakra" meant, having devoted much of her life after meeting Gil to the pursuit of New Age knowledge (definitely a bad answer).

It turns out that this test is such a good predictor of female companionship for "normal" single Jewish males, that we both swore by its results. Pamela had gotten a perfect score on this test. I should have known that Gil would have caught me on this.

Is this test a bunch of hooey or what?

 

 

Further Analysis

"Uhhhh...her parents live on the East Coast, so she does not live with them."

I hear a disgusted sound. "You mean you didn't even give her the 'Tamantha Test'?!? OK Shermie, first mistake. Go ahead and tell me the rest."

I finish the rest of my story. I don't hold anything back.

"Two weeks Gil! I've been waiting for the Perfect Babe all my life and I've missed her by two weeks. If I had met Leah just two weeks earlier, I'm sure that she would not have taken that roll with her ex-husband. I can't believe that my life is ruined by just TWO WEEKS. It is not fair. It's just not fair."

Gil takes a few moments to think about the enormity of my situation. "OK Shermie, second mistake! You are thinking that the world is fair. HELLO! WAKE UP! The world is NOT fair. Bad things happen to nice guys! Your pop-psychology books must have at least TOUCHED on that!"

I sniffle a little and mutter, "Boy, that's true."

Gil continues, "Believe it! OK, now, what's the big problem?!?"

"Huh? Haven't you been listening? She's PREGGERS! She's with CHILD! She's having a BABY! She's in a MATERNAL WAY! She's got an INTERNAL GROWTH!"

Gil assents. "Yeah. I get your point. So what? Tell me exactly the problem as you see it."

This forces me to do some thinking. I knew talking to Gil would make me do that. That's why I call him up for advice. Of course, it would be easier if he just TOLD me what I need to know. But I guess that's not what professors do.

 

Pregnant Women and Dating

"OK Gil, it's like this. First of all, a romantic relationship has to be built from the prior groundwork of friendship. You have to be able to get together and enjoy each other's company. I don't believe that is possible to do with a pregnant woman. Already Leah has blown me off on several dates that we had planned. I guess it's hard to go out with me when she's busy puking. She doesn't want to do anything athletic, like play softball, because it might hurt the baby. How can you get to know someone better when you can only talk to her on the phone, and can't get together because she has to hurl?"

Gil prompts me on, "Uh huh Shermie, that's true. Is that it?"

"Well, no Gil", I say, remembering what he had once told me. "Do you remember what you once told me?"

"That's hard to say, could you be a little more specific?"

"Yes I can", I say, gathering steam. "I am not around pregnant women all that much, believe it or not. Most of my friends who are pregnant, I'll see only a few times when they really show, and then, all of a sudden, they're back to normal. For me, it's no fuss and no muss."

"Yeeeeah", Gil says. "What's the point??"

 

Playboy

"The point is", I say, hammering in my point, "that the old joke goes that Playboy is coming out with a magazine for married couples; the magazine centerfold would be of the same woman month after month. You once told me that having a pregnant wife was like that. Except that each month the centerfold would look ten pounds heavier. And each month the accompanying article about her would read crankier and more incoherent. I try to imagine trying to start a relationship, based at least partly on physical attraction, with that centerfold. It's not working out in my mind."

"Geez, Shermie, do you remember everything I've ever told you??", Gil asks in amazement.

"Youbetchaass! I hold you in high esteem! After all you have a PhD, you are a professor, and you have the honorary title of 'GGTJW'. When you are talking, I feel like I am receiving the entire amassed knowledge of Jewish dating, poured directly into my cerebral center. I have to pay attention!"

"Whoa Shermie, it's starting to come out of this end of the phone! And I just had my plumbing fixed! Hold on a sec", Gil commands and I hear the sharp sound of desk meeting phone mouthpiece. Gil's chair creaks as he gets up and I hear the sound of a door closing. The chair creaks again as Gil sits back down.

 

The Silver Lining

"OK Shermie, I MAY have said that to you at one time. But can't you imagine the OTHER side of being involved with a pregnant woman?"

"Huh?" I say imaginatively.

"I guess not," Gil sighs. "OK, the deal is that many men find pregnant women very attractive."

I have not yet read this in my pop-psychology books, so it is news to me.

"This may be news to you", Gil explains, "among other reasons, possibly because you haven't been close to many pregnant women. In the usual case, i.e. being married, the relationship is built on love and respect and the male chooses to overlook the female becoming an irrational bloated blob, whose every crazy whim and desire must be catered to. In YOUR case, you can just experience the good stuff."

"And the good stuff being?", I inquire, enjoying being taken on this tour of greater human understanding.

"The good stuff being that pregnant women have a glow and vitality about them when they're not puking. The miracle of life is happening. They may be hurling in the first trimester, they may be tired in the third trimester, BUT they're really horny in the second trimester!"

"Hmmmm," I acknowledge, considering the possibilities.

Gil finishes, "You can be around for all the good stuff, but you don't have to take the bad stuff, like the crabiness and irrationality, because you're not living with her!"

"Hmmmmmm," I repeat with emphasis. "This is a lot to think about."

"Listen Shermie, all I'm saying is that if this REALLY is the 'Perfect Babe', then maybe you shouldn't rule her out JUST because she is pregnant. If you've waited twenty years for this particular woman, then maybe you should hang in there a little while longer and see what develops, so to speak."

Read the next installment of Chapter 2!

 


 

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