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Dear Panel:

I've been with the same guy for over 7 years.  We're finally planning on getting married.  There's more to the story but my question in a nutshell is this:

I don't feel we're really sexually compatible - he wants it all the time (really!) and I don't.  I get tired of feeling like I have to put out for him when I can't get into it. hostsm.gif Do I go through with the marriage when I feel this way?  In every other area we are as perfect as two humans can be - is this too big a difference to make it work?

Concerned But in Love

Dear Concerned But In Love,

Definitely go through with the marriage! If after seven years of sexual incompatibility you still love the big lug, it's worth it to give the marriage a go.



Reader Ricky I disagree with this statement because sex is not about security or lack thereof.

But you and he need to get to the root of why he wants sex all the time, even if you're not into it. His desire is at the extreme end of normal, from what I've read. I'm no therapist, but to me he reeks of insecurity, about something...

My point? Talk together and try to figure out what constant sex symbolizes to him. Perhaps it's proof that you do love him, or that he's a "real man" or something. Work hard at figuring out the issues, and then find a compromise. Maybe you only have sex on Saturday nights for a while, but you demonstrate physical affection for him in other ways...it could be fun working out the issue, after all!

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readerTF.gif I agree, sexual relationships change, I went through that myself.

All I can say is WOW . All that energy and enthusiasm even after 7 years!  Some would call you very lucky.  But, I get your point.

If you've read anything Linda and I have written before, you know that I'm usually one who thinks that you shouldn't go into a marriage thinking that you can change a person.  And usually, I believe that's true....for most things.

Sexual relationships though in my experience can and DO change over time.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.  The most important thing to do is talk about it.  Don't get whiny, nag or get over emotional just because it's sex.  Talk to your husband about how you feel.  Then make a plan.

Like Linda says, maybe every Saturday.  Maybe never on Wednesdays.  But something you both can agree on.

Good luck.

One more thing - I don't think you should have to have sex when you really don't want to. If you are feeling pressured, or like you "have to" because it's his right, or he's insisting, that's a serious issue. It gets close to being forced sex, which is abusive to you. Don't let yourself get into that situation; talk and compromise before you get there.

On the other hand, sometimes you have sex because he wants to, even if it's not your favorite activity of the moment, just because you love him. Kind of like how you go with him to see his old friend Noodles (or whatever) even though you're bored to tears. Be sensitive, do things because you love him, but don't, don't, don't be a forced sex slave. Bad for the self esteem.

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