askbut.gif
L&S.gif
yellbut.gif
yellbut.gif
dblubut.gif
GradationBanner.gif

A reader named "In Need of Immediate Help" asked:

I am getting married in three weeks to a man I have loved for 7 years.  However, I am having major doubts.  hostsm.gifHow do I know for sure he is the right person??  I am seriously questioning this because there is another person in my life who would make a better fit for me in every way--but I don't love him.  Should I cancel the wedding and go for the person who is my better fit??  Please help me!!  Please!
 

In a nutshell, love takes precedence over fit. If you've known your fiance for seven years, and you can say you love him after all you've been through together, that's pretty powerful. It says that despite your differences, or any lack of "fit", you have an emotional bond with him.

You know for sure he's the right person because he's been right for a long time, and because marriage is a commitment to make the relationship work in the future, to work out  or to celebrate the differences.

katiecap.gif
cathcap.gif

I worry that she seems to separate fit from love as though they are mutually exclusive.  I fear its the age old lust vs. friendship thing going on here...and she seems to have the feeling she can't have both. I thing the really good marriages do.

As to this "Mr. Right" who's a good fit on paper but she's not in love with him, forget it. Sharing a lot of interests, being "right" economically and professionally may make a relationship smooth, but it's not necessarily interesting or passionate, or enduring long term.

katiecap.gif
cathcap.gif

I don't think the real issue is whether the guy who is a better fit is right, because clearly she doesn't love him.  The question is does the guy she loves have what it takes to be a good fit over time.

Doubts before you marry are natural. It's no surprise that she's leaning toward the perfect fit just before she marries the man she loves. The key questions she needs to ask herself are these:

If the answers are yes, then don't worry, get married. Expect some bumps, and expect to learn and grow from them.

katiecap.gif
cathcap.gif

Well, there's one thing we agree on, and that's that it is a good sign that she's  a little nervous before her wedding...that means she really understands the seriousness of what she's about to undertake.  Weddings are fun, marriage is work.

Marraige is a ton of work. A ton. That's one of the things people either don't tell you, or don't convey fully to you before you get married. It's one of those "secrets" that you have to experience to know. You marry, you work at staying happily married. We swallow these fairy tales which lead us to believe that once you marry everything's hunky dory. It 'aint.

katiecap.gif
cathcap.gif

You are right about the marriage thing.  What I learned about marriage I picked up primarily from the Brady Bunch.  Carol and Mike Brady were always happy, never fought and always kissed good night.....But just like in real life, you just could never tell.  All the while I thought they were the picture of marriage perfection....Mike was really gay and Carol was hitting on her son Greg!!!!

It's true though.  No one tells you this stuff.  Not even your parents. Maybe they think that by telling you it's hard work, they're admitting that their marriage isn't perfect either.  Seems like no one wants to admit that, as though it's some kind of personal failure, rather than a plain old simple life truth.

When my dad was walking me down the aisle, one of the things he whispered to me was "y'know, it's not too late to not do this. If you're not sure, turn around. I'll support you." Aside from the fact that this was really odd advice at the moment, I remember thinking "I'm as sure as I can be, but that's not 100% sure". I really think there's a leap of faith.

katiecap.gif
cathcap.gif

You know, it's funny, when my dad walked me down the aisle he also said "It's never too late, you can turn around now, I'll support you no matter what." Unfortunately in my case he was talking to my husband to be :)

I say, if you have major doubts, stop now. But if you are just scared and worried about lack of perfection, swallow the fear and take the leap. It's a thrill, and there's some panic, but it's worth it.  Don't you agree?

katiecap.gif
cathcap.gif

I think she needs to listen really hard to that voice inside her.  The one that isn't about reason or logic, but isn't driven solely by emotion.  The one that's intuitive, and experienced.  What is it saying?

 

See Also:
Should I risk everything and dump my fiance?
Does it matter if we disagree on political issues?
How do I deal with our different religious opinions?

Tell us what you think

grnbut.gif