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Dear Stupid Girl,

Yes, the guys are behaving badly, but SHE is playing with fire.

Your self-ascribed moniker indicates that you are blaming yourself for the bad actions of another.

Stop it!

I really believe that most men are dogs. We take very little responsibility for the consequences of our actions in general, and in relationships in particular.

For example, look at my answer to the question: How do you know if you are ready to make love?

Strong statements? Sure. But look at the facts. Most guys will push the physical aspect of the relationship to the point where the girl/woman says, "stop." How responsible is that? Why aren't the guys emotionally invested? Why are they putting the control of the relationship in the hands of the woman?

I guess, if you know this, that you should establish ground rules up front. If guys are just trying to get into your pants, and that's apparent, then wish them well and get the hell out of there. If the guy seems like a good guy, let him know that if he's just pretending in order to get into your pants, that it's not okay.

I mean, if we assume that guys won't take responsibility, then unfortunately you have to. Do we wish men were less focused on their penises? Do we wish that men would take more responsibility for fathering children? Do we wish men were more sensitive to the needs of women emotionally as well as physically? Do I even need to be asking these questions?

Next time, before sex, have the talk. I know, it ruins the spontaneity, the romance for the moment. Bottom line though, if you go with the romance and the spontaneity you can end up in bed with him gone in the morning. The talk is, "Hey, I really like you, what's next with us?" It's not like you're getting married or anything, it's just an honest opening to the realization that you don't just want a one-night stand. If the guy is not comfortable with this, lose him, fast...or realize that what you're getting is another dog in the pack.

Some guys also lose respect if the woman let's them get too far.

Some guys also are afraid that sex means real emotional involvement, and they can't handle that.

Men Need Women to Say NO

Just by asking for sex, a guy is showing that he does not care about the girl

On the respect issue: when guys are conflicted about whether or not they should be having sex, they actually NEED the woman to tell them no. Just like their mothers.

On the fear issue: most people (not just men) are nervous about intimacy and letting themselves get too involved with this person they've just shared the most intimate of acts with. If we let the nervousness carry us away, then we abandon the potential for real intimacy, and even better sex. I guess we ought to be doing what we can, when we sleep with someone, to help them feel safe enough to take the next step in opening up.

Ranier Maria Rilke, the poet, said something to the effect of, "sex complicates everything." I agree with this.

For some, the answer is abstinence until the level of commitment, like marriage, is clear. For me, the answer is honesty, and making each other feel safe to express the whole set of feelings that come with a sexual relationship. If you both are making each other safe to express and feel, the sky's the limit, in my opinion.

Love,

Charlie

 

 

 

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