Porn Devalues Women
There are many possible reasons why porn hurts you so much.
- It devalues and idealizes women in general.
- Patrick's continued use of pornography over your complaints is a clear sign that he is not satisfied with you and is still looking for the "ideal" woman. Now, maybe he does not realize this but even so, that has to hurt.
- If Patrick is using the porn for masturbation, which he probably is, he is demonstrating that he sees women as a tool to be used for self-satisfaction. Sex to him is something he GETS not a relationship he HAS. This is not a person you want to be involved with.
- You are still hurting from the abuse that you experienced as a child. Childhood sexual abuse can have long ranging effects. Trust me. I've been there.
If you have not sought therapy to work through what happened to you, I would strongly recommend that you do so. If you have and your only remaining "hang-up" is pornography, count yourself as lucky.
Happily Married without Pornography
You can have a healthy and happy married and sex life without pornography. In fact, I would venture to say that it will be better if you do not involve pornography. If you are with your soulmate, why would either of you need airbrushed pictures of other people?
You obviously know all of this stuff which is why you say that you would not have gotten involved with Patrick if you had known about the porno, so why do you stay. Unless you are married to him, it is not too late.
Get away and find a man who will treat you as a friend and equal, not as a princess. You are real person not an idealized image. Stay away from men who see you that way. If you are married to him, the two of you need to get into some counseling. In addition to all of the other issues, I find the fact that you do not trust this man to do something that he has specifically promised you and that he knows is very important to you to be a really bad sign for this relationship.
Best of Luck,