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Should I tell my fiancée about the other woman?


Should he be marrying Zoe? No!

Dear Mark:

Should you consider getting married when you are already having an affair? Not unless you truly WANT to spend time in divorce court. Seriously, there is not just a small problem with having an affair before you even say your vows. Do you plan on stopping this affair after you get married? Don't kid yourself. Getting married is not going to solve your problems, in fact it will probably magnify them.

Figure it out first

You have some serious considerations to make. Why are you looking outside your relationship to meet your needs? What needs are being met by Emma? This is about YOU, not about Zoe so for the moment let's take her out of the picture. You've been doing that all along anyway...but before you even consider talking to her about this, you need to figure out what's going on inside of yourself first.

Now be honest

Do you WANT to work things out with Zoe? If you could choose either path - marrying Zoe or staying with Emma without the worry of ANYONE getting hurt, what would be your choice?

If you would choose to stay with Zoe, then end things with Emma and focus on getting your relationship back on track. If, however, staying with Emma would be your choice - then you need to end things with Zoe. She deserves more than to have a man who is with her out of anything other then the abiding love it takes to make a marriage work. Don't fool yourself here - marriage is WORK. You don't have to make it harder before you even begin.

She Has a Right To Decide

Miss Kitty No way. Telling Zoe would only hurt her.

I believe you should tell her. I believe she has the right to decide for herself whether or not she wants to continue this relationship, considering what you've done. I believe it's a matter of respect and honor. You haven't respected and honored her enough to be faithful to her - at least respect her enough to allow her to make her own choices. What if you DO get married, and then down the road the truth about you and Emma comes out?

Charlie As I said in another question, I have been there and I agree it is much worse later.

It will only hurt her more then. It will hurt now, but a divorce is a lot worse than a breakup.

Your Love Life

Your love life will settle into a pattern the longer you stay together. The infatuation wears off, the lust fades as you begin to see your significant other as more of a person and less of a body. In the beginning, it's new and exciting - a new body to explore, new feelings to experience that are heady and amazing. You want those feelings more than anything.

You can get too comfortable

Then your relationship begins to settle - you get comfortable with each other. Honestly speaking, how sexy is it to see your loved one in his/her sweats, their hair uncombed, their teeth unbrushed first thing in the morning? If you share a home with your Significant Other, then you see them when THEY want to be comfortable. The desire to look good for each other fades as the desire to be comfortable at home increases.

There can be a level of TOO much comfort in a relationship, I believe. Things become monotonous. Whereas before perhaps finding a place to love each other was more of a challenge, now it's the same old bed in the same old bedroom, day in and day out. Nothing new or exciting about it. It can become routine and for a lot of people, it does. But it doesn't have to.

If you want spice, add it yourself!

If you WANT to spice up your relationship and your love life with your girlfriend, what exactly ARE you waiting for? Why haven't you tried to do so yourself? Bring home flowers, take her out somewhere for a weekend unexpectedly... Try showing a little ingenuity with her to feel feminine and bring out the passion inside her. I guarantee if you cherish her, she will reciprocate. Men like sex...women like to be cherished. An age old dilemma, but it's the smart man who realizes that he gets what he wants by making his woman feel cherished. A woman who feels loved and safe and cherished will open up to her man.

Jeannie She may be dependent, but...

She may be dependent on you but if that's the case, then it's an issue you BOTH need to deal with. In your relationship, you have TAUGHT her how to treat you, just as she has taught you. If she is dependent on you it's because you have allowed it so far. Have you done anything to encourage her to spread her wings out and fly on her own? You take credit for getting her life back on track, but then you blame her for growing dependent on you. You need to take responsibility for allowing things to get to this point, just as she should.

An example

A man who is abusive (not saying you are, this is just an obvious example!) will hit a woman once. Now, depending on how that woman reacts to it will determine what he does again. A woman who is sure of herself and confident that what he's done is wrong will leave and never allow him to act that way towards her again. A woman who is less than sure of herself or has no idea of what her self worth is will allow it, and perhaps convince herself that it might not happen again. But she alllowed it. She has taught him how to behave towards her. It will happen again.

What example do you set?

You need to figure out what your responsibility is in this relationship, and whether or not you are owning that responsibility. If she's dependent, it's because you have allowed her to be. If you have suddenly changed your mind and don't accept that any longer, then help her change by changing yourself.

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