Dear Dear "In and Out of Love"
"Love" versus Being "In Love"
There are probably many opinions about what makes a relationship work...being "in love" with someone gets the ball rolling, but it's said that "love" is what keeps it moving. I have discovered that in order to have a successful happy relationship, you have to have a little of both.
Your Dreams Are a Warning Sign
If you are daydreaming and night-dreaming about being with someone else, this is a flag that you should definitely pay attention to. There are fantasies that I believe every person has that are normal; however, for women, there is a difference when it comes to dreaming about falling in love again. If you are dreaming about this, it's a sure sign that there is something inside of you that isn't being met..some need that you are not having fulfilled right now.
Something Is Missing
First, you need to find out what is missing. What is it that these fantasies bring you? What feelings do you get from them? You have to be totally honest with yourself here. What aren't you getting in your marriage? What needs are not being met? If you are dreaming about falling in love again, it's probably the excitement that you are missing in your life... the feeling that you are the only two people in the world...the excitement of FALLING in love.
Falling in love is like no other feeling in the world. It's a thrill to have someone new to talk to, touch, feel giddy about, wait with bated breath to see again...all those feelings that you HAD when you met your husband. It's a feeling that comes with every new relationship...and over time, transitions into something deeper and something different.
Settling into Domesticity
However, in that transition, where you begin to be comfortable with each other, it's incredibly easy to lose sight of what you found exciting about each other to begin with. You stop dressing up for each other, you stop going out on dates just to be alone...most couples tend to settle into a more patterned life. Life becomes stable and familiar...and the excitement and enjoyment of the beginning fades.
You CAN become too comfortable with someone. You have to work at maintaining a level of newness, of remembering WHY you fell in love to begin with.
Can Your Needs Be Met?
You are fantasizing about someone else, because you haven't found a way to get your needs met any longer in your marriage. Ultimately, this is a journey for the both of you to take but you have to be the one to start. Somewhere along the line, you began to accept less than what you needed and when you stop feeling like your needs are being met, it's normal to start looking outside of the relationship for it. Which is why you are in serious jeopardy.
Work on Your Marriage
If you want to make your marriage work, if you WANT to find a way to bring things back to life, you'll have to work at it. Once you have established what you aren't getting from your marriage, you have a much harder road to figuring out if
Tell Him What You Need
Tell your husband what you want...tell him how you are feeling, that you miss the excitement of dating, that you miss the giddiness of missing him. Let him help you fulfill those needs in your relationship. Together, you can figure out if your needs and his needs work together.
Build Your Own Life
In addition, find ways to work on building a life of your own take a class that you enjoy, join a gym, join a club...do something that is just for YOU. It will give you some excitement and some time away from each other to actually MISS each other.Click here to see the full question & other panelists' responses.
What do you think of Answer?