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Why do I focus on shallow, materialistic nit-picks?

Dear Panel,

...I've always wanted a man who was cultured – not pinkies-up – but arts-minded. He is so not there! To his credit, he is the most wonderful person on the inside, and I'm trying to focus on that...

-- N (pathetically still concerned with coolness)

Female, age 30, Vancouver, BC, Canada

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Charlie
Jeannie
Lefty
Judith

Also see
"Why does he mind when I try to refine him?"

Dear Panel,

I've met someone who has most of the wonderful qualities that I seek in a man. He's fun, confident, happy and loves life. We have non-stop talks that never get dull. I feel positive and upbeat in his company.

Why have I all of a sudden started focusing on shallow, materialistic 'nit-picks?'

He is a fashion mishap.

He seems to be cheap; I always have to pay for most date activities. He's a lousy tipper.

I find his 'gropey' affection in public to be inapropriate.

Whew! I sound horrible, I know. But lately, I am so turned off by these things. I'm just being honest.

I've always wanted a man who was cultured – not pinkies-up – but arts-minded. He is so not there! To his credit, he is the most wonderful person on the inside, and I'm trying to focus on that.

Mare, I can relate to your phase of feeling like guys weren't cool enough for you. How do I get over this?

-- N (pathetically still concerned with coolness)

Female, age 30, Vancouver, BC, Canada

Charlie, Jeannie, Judith, and Lefty answer this question.

 

 

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