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Dear Assessing Compatibility,
I remember reading that the biggest reasons for divorce are disputes
over money and disputes over the frequency of sex, so you're right
to be concerned.
This doesn't mean you're going to have a problem, however. Here
are some things I'd look at and think about if I were in your position.
Unfulfilled Needs Lead To Resentment
When either person in a relationship feels that he or she isn't
getting what he or she needs from his or her partner (for all of
our sake, I'm going to use the grammatically incorrect but far less
unwieldy "they"), it's natural that resentment begins
to build between them. That is especially so when they don't tell
their partner what's bothering them.
Talk About It
The first thing you have to do is to discuss your concerns with
your potential future wife. Warning sign number one is if she doesn't
feel comfortable talking with you about it. If she doesn't feel
comfortable talking about sex with someone she (hopefully) trusts,
I find it difficult to believe she'll be comfortable actually participating
when the time comes.
 Asks
Her About Her Beliefs
I don't mean just superficial discussion about the act itself.
You need to ask her about her deeply held beliefs and convictions.
You should find out whether she has grown up believing that sex
is sinful, or dirty, or wrong (which is a common teaching from some
perspectives).
If she feels this way, remember that beliefs that have been held
for a lifetime are nearly impossible to change.
How Far Have You Gone?
Consider the degree to which the two of you have been "physical"
so far. There's a definite difference between someone who's only
willing to hold hands and someone who wants to do everything short
of actual intercourse. I always believe that a person's actions
speak more loudly than their words. You've been with her for over
a year, so I think you have a good picture of the type of person
that she is.
Move In When You're Ready For Marriage
Moving in together, as you're considering, may well show you both
if you're compatible together.
But it's not something I would recommend unless you're pretty damn
sure you're going to end up married. I don't hear that from you;
I hear how unsure you are. Start discussing these issues together,
from your concerns about sex to any other concerns you discover
about your daily lives.
If you're thinking about marriage, get started with your communication.
– Aaron
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