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Dear Panel,

...she has too high expectations and standards when look at a person. She thinks that R is ugly, poor, low, useless, no future, not compatible with me, and not qualified at all to be her son-in-law.

I love him so much, and I know that he loves and cares of me. I will never let my mother ruin our relationship.

What should I do? Are we making the right decisions?

-- The Frustrated Girl

Female, age 23, Country J

[read the entire question below]

Dear Panel,

I am a 23-year-old female, originally from country J.

Currently I am working in country S. Before this, I did my university in country M. I have been with my boyfriend (R) for more than three years. I knew him when I studied in country M, where he lives.

He is 28-years-old, currently working in country M.

The only problem is my mother. She is quite conservative person. She often dislikes and looks down on other people.

We've Been Together For Years

My relationship with R has been for more than three years. We consider our relationship really serious, and even plan to marry and live together one day. All my family members (except my mother) and all his family members really support our relationship.

She's Afraid of Losing Me

But my mother dislike him, just because of some stupid reasons. First, she loves me too much, that's why she doesn't like R, because if R marry me, then I will go to country M and live far away from her.

Second, she has too high expectations and standards when look at a person. She thinks that R is ugly, poor, low, useless, no future, not compatible with me, and not qualified at all to be her son-in-law.

Well, I have to admit that R is not handsome and not rich, he is just an ordinary person. But he is not as low as what my mother think! My mother always been sarcastic and mean to R in front of me. My mother even once told R directly that his poorness wouldn't ever be able to support my life!

We Don't Want To Give Up

However, R and me decided not to give up and to keep going with our relationship. I don't care that my mother disagree with him. Because I love him so much, and I know that he loves and cares of me. I will never let my mother ruin our relationship.

However, besides that, we also face another problem. Actually R really hopes to marry me, so I can go to country M and live there.

She Won't Let Me Visit Him

Since my mother disagree with our relationship, she doesn't allow me to go to country M at all. I can say that she is "prisoning" me in country S. She doesn't want me and R to be together, and she is in the mission of breaking us up. I feel really frustrated. Also, it is no point for R to go to country J (my country).

R still hopes that one day my mother will change her mind, or the situation may change, so that she willing to let me follow R to country M. Well, I am not quite sure about that, because I know how my mother selfishness is.

I feel that it is almost impossible for us to reach that dream. I hope that if I can't go to his country, then R can go to country S, where I work now. Then we can just have our life in country S. However, it will take quite long process though in order to do it.
Whichever the decision is, it still means that we have to have long distance relationship, either short term or long term.

I am so afraid of long distance relationship. I am afraid of living far away from him. I love him too much that I am afraid of losing him. However, for our future happiness, both of us willing to go through long distance relationship. Although every time I think of it, I feel so sad and frustrated.

We Got Secretly Engaged

He promise me that whatever happen, he will wait for me. He even ask me to engage, as his promise of never leaving me. However if we decide to engage, we will have to do it secretly (without telling my family especially my mother). Let the engagement is just for two us to know, as the sign of our faith to each other.

I actually agreed to secretly engage with him, although I worry of there might be any problems with my mother one day.

What should I do? Are we making the right decisions?

-- The Frustrated Girl

Female, age 23, Country J

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