Dear Panel:

I am engaged to someone that I love very much.

The only problem that we have is that some point down the road I wish to have children and he is unsure, but is tending towards not having kids. He has known a number of people who have kids and feel like they ruined thier lives.

What should I do? 

– Unsure


There's one thing that you better be certain of right now, and that's your birth control.  Having kids is something you both need to agree on.

This is the one area of your sex life where suprises are not good!

And, it's a real good reason to call off a marriage.  On a scale of one to ten, if you want kids a "10" and he wants kids a "2", you won't be happy in your marriage.

 You can't "meet in the middle" on this one. If kids are really important to you, you've got to kiss the guy good-bye. Ouch! It hurts!!


In my experience, Unsure, very few people who go in to a marriage totally opposed to children change their minds. Unfortunately, this is not to say that they don't have kids.


I know what it's like to feel unwanted

But those situations lead to unhappy spouses, not to mention kids who are left feeling unwanted.

Too many people go into marriages thinking they can change their partners.  And some people can and do change.  From where I stand though, the smartest move is to be sure before you start.

I'm with Linda on this one.  If this is a point of contention, call it off.  If you don't believe us, I recommend you see the question posted from "Heartsick".

A friend of mine recently went through just what you are going through, Unsure.

She just called off her engagement because her fiance realized he didn't really want kids. She really, really wants kids. Non-negotiable. So, she broke off the engagement.

She is, of course, real sad. She said "You don't stop loving someone just because of this." She made a really hard decision, but I applaud her for it. She's smart to realize that there are some things she can't compromise on, and isn't thinking "Oh, once we get married, he'll change his mind".

Good for her! She's smart. Sad, but smart. And I know that she, like you, will be happier in the long run.

Tell us what you think


Also see:
Should I stay, or find someone who wants a child?

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