I've been seperated for 3 years (that is a long story in itself) anyway 6 months ago I met a wonderful man.  I told him upfront that I was still married, but had been seperated 3 years - but was filing for divorce this summer.  We got along great and had so much in common.  He took me on vacations, introduced me to his family and friends.  He would take me and my son to his vacation home on the weekends.  He was always calling an coming over and planning stuff for us to do (both present & future) He said he loved me and that we would be together for a long time.  He is building a house and wanted me to help design it.  Then I filed for divorce - once I did that he became very distant....stating he was busy with work.  Phone calls started to lessen and he wasn't coming over as much (this all happened within a two week period).  Anyway one night at dinner he told me that he should start seeing my son less until the divorce was final.  That way my son would not go back to my Ex and tell him things that we all were doing. (My Ex is veryhostsm.gif jealous). He told me to trust him and that this would be the best...because by doing this my divorce would go smoother.  Well that was a month ago, and I have not talked to him at all.  I called him twice and left messages, but he is very unresponsive to calling me back, I'm not the chaser type - so I won't leave anymore messages.  I've heard through the grapevine that he's giving me 4-6 weeks to get my issues (divorce) in order then he's going to call.  I'm 30 and he's 36 - we are adults - and he has confused me terribly.  He, himself went through a really messy divorce 2 years ago.  I don't know if he's really telling me the truth or if he's just scared to get serious again(which we were doing) or if he's just using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship. What do you think? He is very sweet, and can't believe he can just walk away without a word.

Confused / Hurt / Sad / But not mad


Dear Confused / Hurt / Sad / But not mad

Halfway through your letter, I knew how your letter was going to end.  This is a familiar story that many of my friends have experienced.  My guess is that while you were still legally married you were safe.  You didn't require, actually couldn't require any kind of commitment from this guy, because you were legally unavailable.  Once it became clear you would soon be free, this wonderful guy is heading for the hills. Maybe not such a wonderful guy after all, huh?

What concerns me most about your letter is the effect all of this back and forth will and has had on your son.  For his sake, consider this guy in your past.  He's no good for either of you and he's not worth the heartache for you and importantly, for your son.

My advice, don't ask, don't call.

Call me an optimist, or maybe I'm just naive. I think there's a decent chance that the guy is still interested, and sincerely wants to stay out of the way to avoid problems with the divorce. I've had several divorcing friends who had to hide/not see their new honeys while they were in the process so as not to give the soon-to-be-ex any "weapon" to use against them. And, since your guy has been through it himself, it is possible that he's acting with good intentions.

On the other hand, it should be your call, not his, to back away so your divorce goes smoothly. It is a little fishy, I'll admit, that he's the one calling these shots. But maybe his own divorce was so messy that he doesn't want to be a part of this "triangle".

My advice? Ask your divorce lawyer whether she thinks it's a good idea not to see a significant other until the case is settled. If she says it's not a problem, I'd call the honey once more and say "Good news! My lawyer thinks we can still see each other. And I really need you..." If he's not the jerk Susan thinks he is, that ought to get a response. If you get no response to that, move on. If he can't communicate with you about an issue as important as this one is to you, he's not your "Mr. Wonderful".


Thank you for your help.


Sometimes I do wish I was as optimistic as Linda about these things. In my opinion, there's only one way to find out what's really going on and that's to ask Mr Wonderful.  Really ask him.  And really listen, not just to what he tells you, but how he tells you.  Then listen to that wee small voice inside.  I think you already know what that voice is saying about Mr. Wonderful.  Listen.


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