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Dear Panel,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and I have grown feelings for him that I didn't even know you could get.  In the beginning of our relationship I lied to him about a previous sex partner, something I now know I should not have done. Since then I have never lied to him, but it is hard for him to have trust in me. Now he thinks that since I lied to him about one thing that I could have lied to him about other stuff (ie.  now he says, how do I know you've never cheated on me etc. etc.)

I have done so much stuff to try to prove to him that I haven't lied and won't lie about anything else.  He broke up with me for a month because he said he needed his space, and he said that I need to be more independant, and start doing other stuff with my friends, so I did, and now that we are back together he says that whenever I go do stuff with my friends he feels like I am growing apart from him and that I don't need him anymore.  I thought that he wanted me to be more independent. 

He also always gets on my case because in my past I was very insecure with myself and it led me to do many dumb things, I ended up getting a bad reputation, but I changed.  When I met him he was a virgin, after we got together we had sex and now he always tells me that it couldn't have meant anything to me.  I want him to know that it did mean something to me, as well as that he means so much to me.  I want him to have respect for me, and not constantly critisize my mistakes in the past. What do I do????

so so confused

Mare Answers:

Sounds like you're having more problems than an episode of Dawson's Creek!

First, let's tackle your so-called "bad reputation".  People are allowed to make choices about sex ? sometimes even dumb choices ? without having to apologize for it for the rest of their lives.

As I said to Pie, if he has a problem accepting who you are or were, that's his problem.

aliciaLtin.gifThe amount of sex you've had has NO bearing on your ability to form a loving, intimate, monogamous relationship.  "Bad reputation" went out with Elvis and bobby socks (circa 1950s).

Second, I may be going out on a limb here, but I think your boyfriend doesn't really know what he wants.  He wants you to be more independent, but then he can't take it when you are.  He wants you to tell the truth, but then he uses it against you to say you'll lie again.  It almost seems as if he is using his insecurity and mistrust as a way to manipulate you.  You can't make him believe that you are honest, that you love him, that intimacy with him means something to you.  In fact, you can't make him do anything.  So, stop trying.

Third, the most important thing is for you to remember that these are all HIS issues, not yours.

GET OUT OF THIS RELATION AS FAST AS YOU CAN

  aliciaLtin.gif Establish with him that you love him and you very much want to be with him.  Then, stop responding to the accusations.  You might want to read a great book called The Dance of Anger.  It talks about situations like yours and how to approach them in a positive way.  You deserve to be in a loving relationship.  Good luck.

Tell us what you think grnbut.gif

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