Ask a Question

Meet the Panel
All Questions

Dear Panel,

I have been living with my current boyfriend for almost 4 years.  Everytime I bring up the subject of marriage, we end up in a fight, with me upset and him angry.  He says that he doesn't have the money to get married, but yet I see he has no problem saving for other things he wants.  We just went to two weddings where he gave $500 to each couple as a wedding gift.  [...]

Is this the conduct of a guy who I am to believe when he says that he wants to spend his life with me, but yet when the subject comes up he gets angry, and doesn't want anyone at his reunion to know that I exist? [...]

By the way, I'm 30 and he will be 29 next week.  We have a year to go on our lease.  I told him that this is the last year that I will sign a lease with him


without being engaged.


Judith Answers:

Not once in your letter do you mention that you are actually in love with this guy. You talk about getting engaged a few times.  And your boyfriend acting like he is not very committed, at least to other people.  And that other people in  your lives are getting married.  So, do you want to get married to THIS guy, or do you just want to get married?

Take some time to do a little self-reflection.  30 is a good age to do this, a nice round number where you can no longer pretend to not be an adult, but still feel pretty young.  Where do you see yourself in the next five or ten years?

She could be fixated on getting married.

  guestFtin.gifIs it with this guy by your side, or is it a more general image of a husband and family with the man's face not necessarily too clear?

If you find that your boyfriend isn't that important, maybe its time to be honest with both him and yourself.  Don't wait for a whole year to move out - move out as soon as possible.

If he is, you need to tell him that he is really important to you and that you are imagining a lifestyle over the next few years that includes marriage.

His actions have already made it clear that he can't make a committment.

guestFtin.gif Ask him to be honest with you about whether he can make that committment, and then ask for some intermediate steps (shopping for a ring,

As I said to Coppertop in a previous question; watch his actions, not his words.

guestFtin.gif talking about potential places for the reception) in the meantime if he is going to marry you.  If he isn't going to marry you, you have to decide what is more important, your relationship with him or the lifestyle you want.

Tell us what you think grnbut.gif







Site Design by:
Bleeding Edge Design