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Dear Panel,

I have been living with my current boyfriend for almost 4 years.  Everytime I bring up the subject of marriage, we end up in a fight, with me upset and him angry.  He says that he doesn't have the money to get married, but yet I see he has no problem saving for other things he wants.  We just went to two weddings where he gave $500 to each couple as a wedding gift.  [...]

Is this the conduct of a guy who I am to believe when he says that he wants to spend his life with me, but yet when the subject comes up he gets angry, and doesn't want anyone at his reunion to know that I exist? [...]

By the way, I'm 30 and he will be 29 next week.  We have a year to go on our lease.  I told him that this is the last year that I will sign a lease with him


without being engaged.


Mare Answers:

He is not taking you to the reunion.  He is not telling his old friend about you.  I get the feeling that you are not being treated with respect and admiration.  When I meet my partner's colleagues or friends, they always say, "Oh, I've heard all about you."  This is the kind of treatment you deserve.  You should settle for nothing less.

If she is going to give him an ultimatum, she should read my Ultimatum Rules first.

Right now, every bone in your body is saying, "Give him an ultimatum."  But this is only because you've become fixated on the idea of getting married. Before you give the ultimatum, keep this in mind: past behavior predicts future behavior.  Instead of having a boyfriend who doesn't acknowledge you, you could have a husband who doesn't acknowledge you.  Your boyfriend says there is no money for marriage, but he springs for big wedding gifts.  Your husband could say that you can't have a baby because you can't afford it.  Then he'll buy a boat.

Ask yourself if this

But you CAN ask him to be honest about his committment.

aliciaLtin.gif is really the man you want to be around for the rest of your life.  If the answer is "yes", don't give him an ultimatum.  You'll always feel like you forced him into getting married.

What's to ask? He is NOT the right man!

  aliciaLtin.gifLet him take his time, because he's obviously not ready now.  If you get tired of waiting, you can always move on.  And don't rush yourself into a marriage because you think you're running out of time.  There's plenty of time.

Tell us what you think grnbut.gif








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