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Dear Panel,

I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 years.  In the 1st 6 months of our relationship he made a play for my best friend.  We got all that resolved.  But since then, I have encountered hidden female lunch dates, hidden female phone calls, and, most recently, hidden female emails, all of which has been come across by accident. 

At the time of each discovery, I have approached him in a non-accusing way.  Each time he tells me that he didn't tell me about it because there is nothing to it, and he didn't want me to make something more of it.  Each time I would tell him that if everything had been kept above board, I wouldn't have anything to think about it. 

I know that he loves me very much, and now he's talking marriage.  Should I believe all these encounters are as innocent as he claims or am I right to be suspicious?



 Love is innocent?

Lefty Answers:

Dear Love is Innocent,

I am torn in this answer.  I have been on the other side of your question, with a jealous girlfriend.  I kept platonic friendships with women and I didn't always mention them because it was just easier not to.

But that is what I call a Sin of Omission

maretin.gifHowever, I never made a play for my girlfriend's best friend, and I never made an effort to "hide" anything-when asked I told the truth.

I believe that you do have some grounds for suspicion.  It is so hard to regain trust once it's been broken.  And it is pretty hard to commit to a marriage if you don't fully trust your partner.

Are you behaving jealously, making it harder for him to tell you his of activities? Or is this just the tip of the iceberg and he's doing all kinds of underhanded activities?  I don't know.   I think you should resolve these issues before you get married.  Maybe make some kind of compromise with him so that you can both be happy; perhaps meet some of his female friends and sometimes share his lunches.  He should probably try to involve the woman he intends to marry in most of his activities and try to behave so that you're both happy.

However, I'm not saying that you should have to keep checking up on him.  If you cannot regain

I agree

maretin.gifyour trust in him, and feel good about his activities, then it is probably a mistake to escalate your relationship.


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