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Dear Panel,

I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 years.  In the 1st 6 months of our relationship he made a play for my best friend.  We got all that resolved.  But since then, I have encountered hidden female lunch dates, hidden female phone calls, and, most recently, hidden female emails, all of which has been come across by accident. 

At the time of each discovery, I have approached him in a non-accusing way.  Each time he tells me that he didn't tell me about it because there is nothing to it, and he didn't want me to make something more of it.  Each time I would tell him that if everything had been kept above board, I wouldn't have anything to think about it. 

I know that he loves me very much, and now he's talking marriage.  Should I believe all these encounters are as innocent as he claims or am I right to be suspicious?

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 Love is innocent?

Mare Answers:

I think he is keeping his options available.

guestFtin.gifWith the information you gave us, I can't tell you whether or not he's cheating on you.  I can't even tell you whether or not he's lying to you.

The other thing we KNOW is that she doesn't trust him.

guestFtin.gifAll I can tell you is that he is guilty of the Sin of Omission.

The Sin of Omission is what you DON'T tell your lover.  NOT mentioning that you had lunch with your ex yesterday.

I say, "Don't ask, don't tell"

guestFtin.gifOr, saying you had lunch with your ex yesterday, but NOT mentioning that you and your ex ended up making out.  Or, telling him/her that you took care of the credit card bills, but NOT mentioning that you only paid the minimum amount.

I have found that the Sin of Omission really decreases the trust in your relationship.  This is what you need to explore before you get married.  Do you feel that you can trust him?  Can he trust you?  Are you monitoring his activities so closely that he feels stifled?  If you can go to counseling together, this would be the best.  If you ignore what's going on, it will continue into the marriage.  A wedding doesn't make all of this disappear.

Tell us what you think grnbut.gif

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