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Dear Panel,

 I am in a four year relationship with a guy who is the same age (20). We are both very much in love and our sex life is great.We gave our virginity to each other. Recently, he told me that if I ever slept with another man and regretted it, he would be angry but would forgive me because he loves me so much and he knows that I am still young. I haven't been interested in sleeping with anyone else (despite my numerous guy-friends), so when he asked me what I'd do if he sleeps with another girl, I was really hurt. He said he would never cheat on me but he asked in case he got really drunk and made a mistake. What totally broke my heart is the fact that he accepts the possibility (which I believe makes him more susceptible to do it) and expects me to be as forgiving as he would be with me. I think he is influenced by his friends. Most of his friends are not in steady relationships and have had more than one lover. Guy and I are happy together and are always spicing up our sex lif! e. We have never pressured each other to be tied down and always give each other enough space. All this time, monogamy has been absolutely mutual and sex has always been a special thing between us. I feel so hurt and betrayed that now my trust has faded and I feel like I want to disappear out of his life without


warning, but find it so difficult to leave him. What can I do? Please help me!


Hope Answers:

I think your instincts are right on the mark!  If he accepts the possibility, then I believe he is more susceptible to doing it.

It is obvious that he has already been thinking about it, since he brought it up in the first place, and is now setting the stage for forgiveness "in case" it happens. It sounds as though he is already justifying it in his mind too, by implying that being drunk and losing control of yourself is an acceptable excuse. Well, it is not. (I, for one, would never put up with someone who even expects to get drunk and lose control in the first place. You invite too many opportunities for things like this -- infidelity -- to happen. I think he needs to grow up and accept the responsibility of being a monogamous relationship.

The question is, how do you handle it? Disappearing without warning may not be the answer. You may want to tell him how you feel about this, and then set firm standards for what you will and will not accept. If he violates those standards, then you need to be firm in your reaction by saying goodbye. If you waffle on this, he will not take your feelings seriously, but will know that he can get away with hurting you.

You said that his friends are a bad influence on him. Do you see his behavior being affected by his friends? Has he proven to be easily influenced by them? That may be a good indication of his character. You are smart to notice that, as immature guys can be dragged down very easily by the wrong crowd. If this relationship has marriage potential at all, you need to be very observant of his character and his behavior patterns.

One more thing, I have often told people at Love and Learn that according to the Bible, pre-marital sex is wrong. God has good reasons for why He commands things, and I think we can all avoid a lot of trouble by listening to Him. After all, He made us, so He obviously knows what will fulfill us.

One of the many reasons He commands us to stay pure until marriage is so  that our marriages would be completely exclusive sexually. No "baggage" from past relationships, no pain and disappointment from unfaithfulness... He wants us to be completely pure and given wholly to our mates, to share the most special of moments on our wedding night, unspoiled. I think that is what you want in this relationship -- complete monogamy -- but God goes a step further and declares that this is what He wants for your marriage; for you to share physical intimacy with your husband only. Some food for thought...


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