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Dear Panel,

I am 17 years old and have intended all my life to wait until I was married to have sex. Last night, my boyfriend and I were making-out and, though I told him "No",he put his penis inside of me. I don't think he broke my hymen but I did feel a little pain. I am scared to death that I am not a virgin. Please help me.

P.S. I kicked his ass to the curb for doing it without my permission.


Jody Answers:

Dear Scared to Death,

You Didn't Kick His Ass Far Enough

I don't know you, Jody, but your answer is SO on target. You answer with truth, common sense, and compassion. Kudos to you!
-- Dee

You have been raped! No man, not even a boyfriend has a right to put his penis inside of you without your permission. You need to tell him that what he did is not only wrong, it is illegal. Think seriously about rather you want to continue dating him.

Now for your part in this situation. I am a little confused. You say that you intend to wait until you are married to have sex, yet you were in a position that he was able to slip his penis inside of you. This leads me to believe that you were naked and making out. This leads me to wonder why it is important to you to save yourself.

No Heavy Petting

Your "black and white" theory doesn't hold water either. Maybe heavy petting is OK - but no penis/vagina contact.

If you are citing religious reasons, you are deluding yourself. The Bible does not say that you are to refrain from "sexual intercourse" until marriage. It includes continued caressing (I.e. heavy petting) . The "everything but" theory does not hold water. It also sets you up to fail. God knew this. The reality is that sexual foreplay feels good and, as human beings, we want good feelings to continue.

Therefore, if you are rolling around together naked, your hands are exploring each other and you are kissing passionately, you will most likely end up having sex.

There are many good reasons to remain a virgin. "God said so" is definitely a good one. However, there are others including increased trust and intimacy with your future spouse and an ability to maintain focus on the non sexual parts of your relationship. Once a couple begins "messing around" that tends to become the primary form of entertainment. (Trust me. I've been there.).

If you both agree that your clothes are going to remain on, you will find that you have to be more creative in how you plan your time together. You will spend more time talking and getting to know how each other thinks. You may discover some mutual hobbies.

These are the types of things that make a strong marriage. If you and your boyfriend are not comfortable with each other unless you are making out, you don't have much of a relationship. By the way-If you felt pain, there was probably some tearing of your hymen. However, it is not an all-or-nothing thing. It is a good size membrane and it may take repeated sexual encounters to break it completely.

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