HomeMainMeet the PanelAll QuestionsYour HostAsk the Panel

After all the hurt, he asks ME if I have cheated.

Dear Panel,

I am tired of forgiving my boyfriend for saying and doing things that are hurtful to me.  The story of our relationship is just too long to get into, but it has been violent in the past.  He has made great strides to overcome his immaturity/anger problems, and we are currently in counseling together.

Don't move back.

  judithtinblk.gifThings have been going very well with our family (we have a 17 mo. old son), and though we live in separate places, we have begun to make plans to move back in when my lease is up in May, 2000.

Out of the blue, last night he asks me if I have had any sexual relations with anyone other that him since we have been together (this was discussed when we first got back together and at our first counseling session).  I immediately answered no and asked him where that question came from. 

He says he noticed some kind of bump on his genitalia, something he claims he has never had before, and that he wanted to  make sure that it was not some V.D. he may have gotten from me.  He continued that it was just a question, and that the doctor may ask him such questions, even though he really has no way of knowing for sure.

I was hurt, insulted, and really pissed that he even had the nerve to ask me that, but I didn't say so at the time.  We got off the phone, so that allowed me to think about it for a while. Please note that after all this man has put me through I have never been with another man, even during our almost 3 month separation. 

We have known each other since high school and he knows what kind of person I am (I am 28, he is 29).  I have really tried hard to forgive the past hurts he has caused so that our family could be together, but it is very hard.  I still have severe lower back pains from one of the physical attacks.  I was well on my way to getting over those things.

He called me back about 1.5 hours later but I was (noticeably) still upset.  He didn't ask what was wrong, so I felt I need to say that I was hurt by his question, I felt like my integrity was in question for no reason, and that I thought that our relationship was at a higher level of trust than that. His response was that it was only a question (I shouldn't be upset by it).  I continued to explain my hurt feelings, but his response was the same.  I was only making myself angrier, so I just stopped talking altogether to avoid an argument. 

He probably wont apologize every time you think ot os appropiate.

judithtinblk.gifBy that time he was ready to go to bed, and I asked him if he has some sort of a problem apologizing to people when he hurts them, and he said he thought he apologized already.  I told him that if he did I didn't hear him.  He repeated that he did.  So we just got off the phone.

Sorry that this is so long, but I really want to know:
a) should I be upset at all?
b)  what should I do now?
c)  how do I forgive a person who does not ask for forgiveness?

- Exhausted


Love and Learn: relationship advice from a panel of non-experts.

Site Design by:
Bleeding Edge Design