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Judith Answers:

Dear lost in love,

Something is missing from your story, and I can't figure out what it is.


Did you get married VERY young, or was your wife VERY young? Because your version of your marriage doesn't quite mesh with the circumstances of your marriage - the two of you are passionate, committed, and deeply in love; but actually your wife is ambivalent, confused, and her love is dwindling.

But WHY Is Her Love Dwindling?

It sounds like your wife has taken the lead to identify problems in your marriage, both in the past and present. Did she tell you WHY her love is dwindling? That doesn't usually happen due to a need for a new house or a new child (your reference to having a child to fix your marriage disturbs me, but that wasn't your question so I won't go there). It usually happens because something is not right in the relationship. Or occasionally happens just because you don't like the person very much at the moment (a stage I think is inevitable in any long-term relationship, but just as a stage).

You're Thoughtful, But Not Thoughtful Enough

You've got one thing going for you in this situation - you have already been pretty thoughtful. You've thought about what you love about your wife and what you like about your marriage. You've also thought about what makes you a good husband. But a little more thought is needed.

I agree -- he needs to figure out what the real issues are.

Are there underlying problems that haven't been addressed? Are there solutions to those problems that haven't been discussed? Why is your wife unwilling to talk about something that has potentially dire or wonderful consequences for the both of you?

Confront The Issues

Discussion doesn't seem to help.

It doesn't sound like you talked through the issues last time but rather bought a house and had a baby. If you don't want this to recur every few years, you better be willing to bite the bullet now and talk about it. As scary as it is, and as confrontational as it might seem, and even if it carries the risk of making your wife mad, you NEED to talk about it, talk about how you are feeling, ask questions, and be willing (and unafraid) to hear the answers.

Avoid Disaster

This limbo can only be disastrous, and simply isn't a healthy way to live. So - ask and say the things you've been wanting to, and do so with an open mind and an open ear.



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