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Dear Panel,

I am Saibhin, a 24 year old divorced female. I have a lot of trust issues with men in general, particularly with my current boyfriend.

He is Jacob, 25, also divorced. He has cheated on his wife (with me), but claims he never had before.

His Other Women

  • • Carol, his ex-wife, the one he cheated on with me, and the one he subsequently ended our relationship for.

  • • Anita, the girl in Canada he was with one week prior to coming to live with me.

  • • Christa, the girl in San Diego he told he would get back together with when he moved back there.

He Was First a Crush

Five years ago I was in boot camp and I met this gorgeous guy, drop dead gorgeous in fact. The girls in my division all had their fantasies about him. Me being shy, I just admired from afar. He wound up dating a girl from my division, and we went on our separate ways. He was just a crush, after all.

How We Got Together

Well, I moved to Hawaii, got married, and after three years I was separated and sitting outside my workplace with a friend. A guy was on the phone and he kept STARING at me; it was getting rather disconcerting. Well, he got off the phone and approached me, asked me what division I was in in boot camp, and then I recognized him – it was my crush.

Our Indiscretion

He sat down and we talked; it turned out he was married, but we decided to go out that night with one of his friends. We went out, and it was intense: there was just something there between us, and, however foolishly, we acted upon it.

He left the next morning.

We didn't write one another, but I occasionally kept tabs on where his ship was (Navy).

After He Divorced His Wife

Six months passed and he was back; he called my workplace to get my number, informed me he was now divorced, (not due to our indiscretion) and then invited me to have dinner with his father and him. I went. It was like no time had passed at all.

Our Long Distance Relationship

Needless to say, a relationship started from there – very long distance, we never lived in the same state, but it worked. We saw each other whenever we could. It was paradise.

He Dumped Me for His Ex-Wife

Jacob I know that hurt you, but let me explain why I did it.

A year later it was over: out of the blue, he called me and told me he was in love with another woman: his ex. I cried, I picked up the pieces, and I moved on.

He was over that in a week, but we were not OK. I saw him for a week in San Diego before I moved to Texas . He saw me in Texas before moving home to Minnesota. We both had relationships with other people.

He Returns to Me

Two months ago, he moved to Texas to be with me. I never healed fully from the "ex incident", but I have been making valiant attempts...

...until I found pictures of a girl, and her bra and underwear in my house.

He Lied at First

I confronted him. He told me the underwear was a gift for me, but I only wore that bra size when I was 12. Then he told me Anita (the girl he dated from Canada) sent them to him and he brought them with him to send them back.

The only real things I know are these:

  1. 1. he has a low self-esteem,

  2. 2. he really does love me,

  3. 3. I really do love him,

  4. 4. he has extremely poor judgment,

  5. 5. and he is either very naive, or thinks that I am.

Mensch Yes, but there may be other reasons why he moved.

I want to trust him. I don't know how. I don't know what to believe. Logic tells me he drove over a thousand miles to be with me; there has to be something.

How Many Women Does He Have?

I want to work through this, but I can't live my life always wondering if there is somebody somewhere else waiting on him – if I am not the only door he left open in his life?

Jacob How can you count Anita as a betrayal when I was single when I met her?

How do I learn to trust a guy that betrayed me twice?


Mel Jeannie Judith Mensch

Saibhin's update of her story

Archive of all Both Sides Questions


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