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If my best friend loves me, why is he dumping me?

Dear Panel,

....I asked him what was going to happen between us, and he explained that he just needed time to relax after his recent breakup with Erin, after a year-long relationship. So I was understanding about his wishes, and assured him I would wait.

The only thing was HOW LONG would I have to wait???...

-- Lost in Love

Female, age 18, New Jersey

[read the entire question below]

Dear Panel,

Well, I am an 18-year-old freshman in college. I just recently graduated high school a few months ago. I have always been a very respectable, understanding, open-minded & conservative girl.

Wrong Guys, Wrong Friends

I was raised in the church as a Christian most of my life, but ever since my senior year in high school, things have changed. I got involved with the wrong guys and the wrong friends, which eventually led me to do things I shouldn't have done. Most guys are very interested in me because they say I am everything a guy could ever want: respectable, pretty, athletic, funny, etc.

Hector Is My Best Friend

OK, the "other person" would be my best friend Hector. Well, we met our sophomore year in high school when he transferred and was placed in my English class. I knew almost immediately we were drawn to each other in some way. Soon, we became good friends. I found out he liked me but I was very confused because I was going through some issues with my current b/f at the time. I knew I liked him though. I always did, but I was afraid. I was afraid it would ruin the friendship, and I was just afraid of getting hurt. However, Hector understood and never pressured me.

We remained great friends and even helped each other out with relationships along the way, (although we both had a sense of jealousy by doing so). We ALWAYS secretly possessed feelings beyond the boundaries of friendship. But what attracted me the most to him, was his character, the way he was. He was very unique and real and was always very honest. That's probably how we became such close friends. He was very open with me as I was with him.

I Disregarded His Confessions of Love

Throughout the years, we expressed hidden emotions of love, desire, affection, & intimacy. However, it never got in the way of our friendship. Most of the time, it was I who disregarded Hector's confessions of love. He even told me shortly after a year of being good friends, that he loved me. I was shocked to say the least, but more afraid. I was afraid to get involved and fall in love. So of course I paid no mind to my Hector and his strong feelings towards me. However, I secretly DID feel the same. I just never had the courage to let the feelings go. Only my best friend Kelley at the time knew it, and she tried very hard to convince me to share the way I really felt with him.

We Dated Others

Then a year later, at the end of our junior year, Hector started dating a girl named Erin and I got involved with my crush Mike. Hec and I would talk about everything, even our relationships with the other people. It was hard but we both managed, although most of the time the focus would turn around on US and OUR relationship. It was very hard because Hector had told me EXACTLY how he felt one night, and I was petrified, so I backed off for a while.

Then Hector and Erin became more serious and Mike and I started going out. So basically, we went our separate ways. We did of course still talk online and once in a while on the phone, but things were really shaky between us because of our new relationships. We were so into our significant others that we never had time for each other again.

Then when senior year came, things changed. I hadn't talked to Hec since junior year and in the middle of senior year, he popped up out of nowhere. We hugged and talked and laughed about many things, updating our lives openly. He was still with Erin and I had just broken up with Mike. But for some reason, that wasn't it. After half a year of not bonding with my buddy, and seeing him after so long, the feelings were very weird – very different – very STRONG.

I Finally Tell Hector of My Feelings for Him

He broke up with Erin, then a week later I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told Hector the way I felt all those years and how I was afraid, but that I didn't wanna loose my chance again. He was quite speechless and shocked to say the least, but then he ended up admitting he felt the same way. That since the day we met til that very day, we still got a tingly feeling in our stomach from butterflies, and this longing for each other. Our conversation was so intense that I started crying. We reminisced many things of our past together, and he even SAVED some of our conversations on AOL.

Then as we were hanging up, the words finally came out. "Hector wait!"

He just asked, "What?" unaware of what I was about to say.

"I love you," I whispered.

He stayed quiet for about 20 seconds then took a deep breath as if in total shock, and replied, "I love you too ---."

My heart was filled with joy and I knew from then on, that things would be very different for us. And so they were. We eventually ended up hanging out one night at his house, while his mom was away for the weekend. I was very scared because I didn't know what to expect, but when it happened, I wasn't scared.

We Had Sex

Yes, the well reserved, innocent, respectable Christian girl gave in to temptation and helpless desire. That night, unplanned, Hector and I slept with each other. I was very nervous and worried if I had made the right decision, but I knew I had because he was someone I will love until the day I die. However, my beliefs were haunting me. See, but Hector also knew how I was. He knew I was a Christian and how I felt about premarital sex.

He Asked Me To Wait

He didn't pressure me at all, it just happened! Then I asked him what was going to happen between us, and he explained that he just needed time to relax after his recent breakup with Erin, after a year long relationship. So I was understanding about his wishes, and assured him I would wait.

The only thing was HOW LONG would I have to wait???

Hector was very sweet the following weeks, but something was still missing. I felt as though he were neglecting me for his ex, Erin. He seemed to be working harder on rekindling their friendship, then building OUR relationship.

He Broke His Promises to Me

So for months, I was put through anxiety and torture. I was stressed to the extreme and he didn't even know it! My friends stood by my side all the nights I cried and wished he would see my pain. It was horrible. He made many broken promises and never made an effort to be with me.

He Left for the Summer

Then when summer arrived, he went with his mom and brother on vacation to Florida. I thought it was over between us, because I hadn't talked to him (let alone seen him) in months, and now he was gone. And I didn't even know if it was for good, because he had told me in the past that he might be moving there. So for months I lay in tears at night, most sleepless nights. The aching for him was so excruciating.

Then somehow he came online one day, and we talked. We talked about just about everything, and our feelings once again surfaced. I was so confused. Why is he doing this now that he's over there??? I didn't understand.

He apologized and explained that he had realized while being over there what he had, and that I was everything a guy like him could ever possibly want. I was so happy! I felt relieved, like there was finally a good ending to this huge mess!

He Asked If I Were "His Baby"

Then the inevitable occurred. After months of waiting and suffering from heartache, Hector asked me if I was "his baby". I was so excited, I broke down in tears and said "YES!" Then everything seemed to be fitting together.

So of course we all know what happens next. I went and told all my close girlfriends that stood by me throughout the whole situation, and they were all very happy for me. So I would buy calling cards and call him at his hotel in Florida for 3 months straight. Things were great! He even said "I love you to death!" twice when an incident occurred that I ended up getting hurt in. He was so worried for me and said how he wanted to be here with me. I loved it so much.

But now here comes the reality:

He Returned and Was Angry that I Told My Friends

After all those months and all the effort I put into our relationship/friendship, Hector came back. I waited and waited for the day to come and I couldn't wait any longer – that is, until I heard the heart-wrenching news. The fateful day Hector came home, was the worst day I'll never forget. He immediately got on my case for having told a few friends about us being together. He said he didn't like the fact that everyone knew and that now they were all talking garbage. That he didn't want to deal with it and that it would get back to Erin (his ex), and she would talk bad just the same.

I can't even BEGIN to tell you how bad that arguement was, but eventually we ended up hanging up on bad terms. =(

I Ended It

After he said "I don't want anything to do with these people or this town or ANYONE in this town. I want to cut off connections with this town COMPLETELY," I left him with this before we hung up:

"OK, so I'll clear everything up, Hector, and tell EVERYONE that we NEVER had and never were ANYTHING so then you won't have ANYTHING to do with ANYONE in this town EVER again!"

And ever since, we haven't talked.

What are your views about this whole situation? I miss him very much.

How can we fix this mess???

-- Lost in Love

Female, age 18, New Jersey

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