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Bella Answers:

Dear Elizabeth,

The Internet has changed the world in many ways, and one way is in the proliferation of "electronic emotional affairs" like yours.

This IS An Extramarital Affair

You have embarked in a romantic relationship outside your marriage vows. From my point of view, what you are going to do about that is the biggest question facing you. The relationship you have built up with your friend has been built with time and energy and emotions taken away from a relationship you already have with your husband.

Think of it this way, you and your husband have to deal with many hard realities that can drain away romance: the bills, the laundry, getting the car serviced, putting away the groceries, running your son here and there, and so much more.

You've Lost Connection With Your Husband

That feeling of connectedness, of passion below the surface, gets hard to find when you're exhausted and at cross purposes and facing the constant chores of running a home. So there are limited moments where you feel light and romantic.  

Instead of exploiting those romantic moments with your husband, you have been having them virtually with your new friend.  You have been pouring your thoughts and feelings out to him - a man who doesn't forget to take out the trash or load the dishwasher. A friendship pure of all those hard realities left to your life with your husband.

BellaYour Husband Should Come First

I can't give you permission to go to the next level with your friend and take your emotional affair physical. And I can't tell you the right thing to do is to make a commitment you aren't free to make.


She can put her husband first, after she helps the dying man find more support.

You promised your husband would come first, and until you and your husband agree that those promises are gone - he should come first.  

He's Using Emotional Blackmail

Your friend has been dealt a raw deal. He is facing death in a year, and he is in love with a married woman. He is using one to get the other, and that's understandable but it's also emotional blackmail.

There was a lady I knew. Her brother-in-law, who was single, spent 6 months in a sanitarium (like a hospice) before finally dying. Of everyone he knew, this lady was the one who was always there for him. She spent hours at his bedside, knitting and chatting and laughing and flirting. She let herself fall in love with her brother in law, although the closest they ever got was a kiss on the cheek.

For him, she missed her kids' events and her husband was neglected, but how do you fight a guy with terminal illness? Then on the day she and her family got home from the brother-in-law's funeral, her husband moved out. Her brother in law was gone, and she spent the rest of her life putting back the pieces.

Your Marriage Is Dying

Emotional affairs ruin marriages just as fast as physical ones. In the here and now, your marriage is dying. How you will live your life, as well as the lives of your husband and your son, all hang in the balance. And in this you have all the power.

Make the decision, Elizabeth. What really, truly matters to you?  

Good luck,




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